Foudn this on another forum! The Guy actually wrote this out himself...
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th
July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable
modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered
inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as
well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me
to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional
perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I
suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you
while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the
bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning,
resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting
for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my t..ticles
for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and
highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks
later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is
available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is
available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to
someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then
been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been
redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed);
that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the
irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this
theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important t..ticle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were s.it, that they had attained
the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere,
ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to
delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because,
well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when
I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom -
w..nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the
filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to
say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any
kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future
attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so
pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be
greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by
derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits,
selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my
utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I
sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they
were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel
considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma
and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings
towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be
the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and
infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of *****.
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th
July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable
modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered
inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as
well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me
to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional
perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I
suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you
while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the
bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning,
resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting
for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my t..ticles
for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and
highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks
later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is
available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is
available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to
someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then
been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been
redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed);
that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the
irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this
theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important t..ticle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were s.it, that they had attained
the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere,
ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to
delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because,
well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when
I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom -
w..nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the
filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to
say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any
kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future
attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so
pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be
greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by
derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits,
selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my
utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I
sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they
were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel
considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma
and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings
towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be
the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and
infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of *****.
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